academic insecurities

Something one of the faculty members said yesterday keeps running through my head and it scares the hell out of me. Actually, a few things that were said at recruiting yesterday scared the hell out of me, but this one has stuck more than the others. Probably because it's something I hadn't thought about, but know must be true on some level. At lunch friend of mine was talking about how she doesn't know a lot of the faculty members, only the ones who are involved and show up at a lot of the seminars. To make her point she threw out a couple of names as examples. The faculty member's response was "Oh yes, the cool kids."

The Cool Kids. At the age of thirty-three people in tenure track positions running their own successful research laboratories still consider a certain group to be The Cool Kids. I do not like this idea. The Cool Kids throw me for a loop. Nor will I ever be one of the. Even when I was one the cool kids, I wasn't one of The Cool Kids. I don't get as flustered as I did at the age of fifteen, but there is a part of me that is distinctly uncomfortable in situations involving The Cool Kids. As a result of being an awkward, nerdy child I am exceptionally sensitive to situations where I feel I am not welcome, even now. I will happily use excuses such as "my reaction is nearly finished" or "my grandmother is on fire" to leave as quickly as possible when I find myself in such situations. If The Cool Kids in question are close to the standard I hold myself to it's worse. In most cases this is all ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS. One, what exactly makes one scientist "cooler" than another? We're all scientists. Not exactly the poster children for being socially well adapted. Two, chances are, they were as geeky and awkward as I at the age of eleven and probably feel the same way I do. Three, I am no longer quite so geeky and awkward; most days I'd even say I'm comfortable in my own skin. Four, I already knew there were little cliques and all sorts of political nonsense in academia. The logical jump from there would be something of this nature. I guess, much like other things in my life, I figured that once I was a professor I would be one of the confident ones. Professional and well dressed and successful. Perhaps I will be. Perhaps this is merely one female professor's view on things and in actuality it is her own insecurities talking, insecurities that need not become my own. But first I have to pass prelims.