big pointy teeth!

Had enough with fluffy bunny slippers? Try the Monty Python-esque version for cuddly warmth with an edge.

maybe i should save my humbugs for december

My first Thanksgiving away from my family. It's an odd thing, and I really wish I could be in Rhode Island with the east coast extension of my mom's family. Spending a holiday I associate with brisk weather and colored leaves in Texas with 75°F weather is just surreal. Parts of the east coast got snow. And I am soooo jealous.

Not that today was a bad day. I enjoyed spending it with Jessica’s family in Fredericksburg, it’s just a major change for me. New people. The food fixed just a little differently than what I’m used to. Warm weather. I suppose it’s another instance in which growing up really sucks and I just need to get over it. At least I know I have somewhere to go and people who are missing me today. Family. There’s the crux of it.

Thanksgiving has been my favorite holiday since at least my freshman year of college. A break from the end of semester spent with people I love. The entire holiday season used to be my favorite time of year. Cold weather, snow (with any luck), family, shopping for my loved ones. Watching the Muppet Christmas Carol movie and sympathizing with Charlie Brown's said little Christmas tree. On Sunday night I saw my first Christmas-time commercial. I freaked out like a cat scared out of a life by a motion-sensor activated talking Christmas tree. Blindsided once again. Not expecting it to come around again so soon. Christmas is more empty now, more something to dread than anticipate. There just isn’t as much spirit in it for me now that I only get a few days even remotely near relatives. Granted, I am emotionally in a better place this year than last. I also have friends outside of school and more to look forward to than being done with finals, but it's still not what I want it to be. Now if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment with dreams of Charlie Brown Christmases and Miracles on 34th Street.

every road gonna bring you home

At the moment I absolutely love life. Ain't it great to be alive in Austin, Texas... yeah, that cheesy kinda thing. "Why this mood swing?" you might ask, "is it booze or drugs? Did you win the lottery? Win a new wardrobe from Saks Fifth Avenue? A lifetime subscription to Highlights Magazine?" No, none of the above, as unlikely as it may seem.

Music. Kick-ass, passionate, talented, no holds barred, taking me back to everything I loved about my senior year of college, red dirt music. I love Stoney LaRue. And even more so I love Rodney Pyeatt and Jeremy Watkins. Exceptionally talented musicians (I wouldn't kick Mr. Watkins out of bed, either) and it was obvious the entire band was just having a lot of fun on stage tonight. Bad jokes about the president and all. It was easily the most fun I have had at a concert since I've been in Austin. And I went by myself. Imagine if I had had company. Then I wouldn't have looked quite so dorky with the grin I had on my face.

far too early

Ah, modern molecular biology. I am babysitting the array printer. Switching out plates, making sure the miniscule dots are being printed okay, that the level of the wash solution is high enough. This is one of those jobs that I hate because it's mostly mindless, but if I screw up it affects a lot of other people. Plus, this a robot with a lot of really expensive parts. Difficult to break, but if anyone were to do it, it would be me. And they leave me alone up here in the MBB attic at 7AM on a Saturday morning.

photographic evidence isn't always a bad thing

Valkyries in New Zealand

(Rocky, Lisa, Shae, Meg, Me, and Jamie
officially on New Zealand Soil)

brrrrr

It's a good thing I like to sleep in a cold room, because I forgot to turn on the heat last night. According to the weather channel it's 31 degrees this morning.

I have this habit of dragging weather with me wherever I go. I went east and I took Austin's sunny, warm pseudo-fall with me. Apparently I brought back real November weather. I apologize to my fellow Austinites, but don't think I'm not enjoying it.

mid atlantic rambling

Home. Or at least where my family now lives. Most importantly on the East Coast. I'm currently sitting in a coffee shop in Winchester, VA, getting free wireless not from the coffee shop, but rather from the Sleep Inn next door. Of course small cities in rural areas don't have near-universal wireless access...I just hadn't thought about it. Even in Everedy Square in Frederick I couldn't get wireless. My best friend just gave me an exasperated look and said "you're in Fredneck," as if I should have remembered that our hometown is hopelessly backwards and behind the times.


What a weekend. The Valkyries dominated both Saturday and Sunday, winning the "Nation-al Cup." Playing in the Furies B side on Saturday was the most fun I have had playing rugby. Sunday at the Ambassador's Cup I saw my first Haka, which in and of itself may have been worth the cost of the plane ticket. And the post-games social was held at the New Zealand Embassy and included free beer (but then again, this is rugby we're talking about here) and a free dinner. Roast lamb. Yum.

So the air is crisp, the leaves are changing colors and life is good. Not thinking about school is even better. And I get seafood for dinner. Yum.

fly away

A weekend away. I need this. I need to get out of Austin and out of my reality for a little while. Spend some time in Mom's kitchen, in the hay loft, with my family, in Frederick, in Winchester, with my best friend. Frustrating is the best word I have to describe my life right now. Absolutely nothing is going the way I would like it to be. Work is the worst of it. I feel like I am staring at a brick wall that I'm never going to get past. I literally cannot visualize myself succeeding in graduate school and that scares the hell out of me. My capacity for hope is the only thing keeping me going right now. A friend of mine just withdrew from our program. I am incredibly proud of her for making such a difficult decision. And slightly jealous that I can't do the same. The difference between us is that I really, truly want this. I have been wanting this since I was fourteen years old. My high expectations are what is allowing all of this to get to me.

High expectations. Expectations. Stress occurs when expected does not equal observed. I'm sure there's a mathematical equation in there somewhere, but it probably requires some sort of derivation that I can't do. Math never was my strong point. And I tend to stick with the things that I do well. Things that I can do well enough to live up to my own expectations for myself. Part of me wants to give up rugby, a game I genuinely love, because I'm not immediately good enough to please myself. Logically I know that's ridiculous, but my expectations for myself aren't logical very often. I get to learn from one of the best players in the country. A lot of people would argue she is the best female prop in the US (and I'd happily place my money on her against most of the men that play that same position). Perversely this makes me want to perform well even more. And get increasingly frustrated with myself when I don't. It's ridiculous; I have been actively playing full XVs for a total of maybe five weeks. I played prop for the very first time (propping for 7's is so different it doesn't count) three weeks ago. And I still expect myself to be perfect. Or nearly so. It's official, in black and white: I am messed up in the head.

Or maybe it's my personality type. According to a Jung test (can you tell I'm not feeling fulfilled at work?) I am an "INFJ".

INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families. They don't believe in compromising their ideals.

Yup. That's me all right.

i believe a leaf of grass...

...is no less than the journey-work of the stars
-Walt Whitman

My boss took the entire lab out to Pedernales Falls for the morning, then Salt Lick (the original) for lunch in honor of Ari's graduation. It was a good day. I needed to get away. I just wish I could have spent more time on my own; I do my best thinking in nature, but generally only when I get a few moments of silence. (Since Friday night I have spent a lot of time wrestling with some old feelings that seeing Jarhead brought back to the surface. ) Not that I couldn't have slipped away on my own, but I wanted to spend time with my coworkers, particularly Ari, since he is moving to San Francisco at the end of the week.

I'm still glad we went, even if my need to get out of the city still hasn't been truly quieted. There was a bit of fall foliage and open space and plenty of armadillos, frogs, and snakes around to keep us all delighted. It was a gorgeous day, too. Ari, Kerrie, and I sat and watched some sort of water snake stalk frogs in what would be a tide pool if we'd been at the beach. It was so cool. Blue skies, green grass, clean air. Open spaces. How could the rest of the world possibly get to me on such a day? How could anyone miss seeing a creator who takes joy in his creation in such circumstances?

Race For The Cure on Sunday was amazing. My body was screaming "why are you doing this to me?!" after my late night (Buddy Quaid is fantastic!), but I was up bright and early with the help of lots of caffiene. The most awe inspiring sight was all of the survivors, who were in pink t-shirts. And running down from the capitol looking over all the people who had come out to support the cause was also something amazing to see. Outside of my frustration at my inability to run a 5K effortlessly (something for me to work on, because I need to be at a much higher level of fitness for rugby) it was a great way to spend a morning. On extremely rare occasions.

llama llama duck

Silly songs for icky days.

quarter life crisis

Some days it feels feel like the safe edges of the pool have disintegrated and left me in open water.

It's a canned post, and long, hence putting it behind the cut. But I identified and I think a lot of my peers will too.

a small request

I don't like to write downer posts, but I have a small favor to ask y'all. My grandmother is in the hospital this morning with a blood clot in her neck. It was caught in time and the doctors are dissolving it, but if you would keep her and my family in your thoughts and prayers it would mean a lot to me.

turn me loose and set me free

It's inevitable. Two months and I'm getting restless again. My tolerance for traffic and crowds and concrete and landscaping has reached its limit. It hit me with a vengeance this morning as I was leaving my neuro test. I need to get out of the city and into somewhere I can see the stars at night, feel the sky stretching all the way around me, have the wind blow through my hairs, know there's earth beneath my feet, not twenty meters of concrete.

Anyone up for going camping over Thanksgiving weekend?

so set me free, set me free
i wanna be what i can be
city livin' ain't livin' to me
mama set me free
set me free set me free
-Reckless Kelly