No, I haven't been blogging much. I don't want what I'm going through to be real. Writing makes things real. But now I've had the help of several glasses of champagne (it's champagne Thursday and we're watching Grey's at Tim's) and I think I can write it. Because it's real. Reality...I finally saw the finale of Grey's Anatomy. (Give me a break, I was in Rome!) And I cried. Not because of Doc dying, not when Denny died (though I was rather distraut). No, I cried when Izzy gave her monolouge.
- Izzie: [to the Chief] It was me. I cut his LVAD wire. I did it, no one helped me. And now… I thought I was a surgeon, but, I can't. I thought I was a surgeon, but I am not, so I quit. [George tries to block her from walking off. She walks around him. He and Alex follow her down the stairs]
I thought I was a scientist. For the longest time I believed my destiny was a PhD and a career in scientific research. It took a few twists and turns along the way, but ultimately ended up in the same ggeneral area. And here I am starting my third year of graduate school in molecular biology and I am miserable. I am twenty-three years old and I realized I am completely miserable. There is no reason to be miserable at twenty-three. So I tried changing labs. Sent emails, snuck around behind my boss' back, prepared and gave a shit presentation, did absolutely nothing of value for at least two weeks. Everyone gave me the same advice, "Follow your science." Follow my science. There is no way to follow your science when you are at the point in your life when you are absolutely
least qualified to make that decision. So I am staying where I am. In this miserable lab with a boss I neither trust nor like nor respect. And I have decided to get my M.A. and be done with it. At least for now. (Getting the master's degree means that I have a better chance of going to graduate school again if I so decide to come back to this in a few years.) So it means that for the sake of being finished in May I am giving up on earning my PhD. Giving up what I believed in. That's my reality. I am miserable and what is making me miserable is what I believed I was supposed to dedicate my life to. Reality.
So there it is. And I'm slightly drunk, but even when I look at this post tomorrow, I'm going to leave it up. I think.
2 comments:
Amy -
Step away from it all for a day, think about what you really, really want to do with your life now. Not what you should do, not what you have been doing. And then go with your gut.
Funny how we can be different ages, different lives and in different parts of the country, but I'm going through the exact same thing and thinking of dropping everything to go back to school for something completely different that will cost me four more years and loads of money. But those costs are less than being unhappy with who you are and the knowledge that someday you might regret that you didn't make a change.
I just keep thinking that it's never too late to be who I am supposed to be ...
It's hard ... but you can do it.
You=awesome. And like blondie said, it's never too late. This decision,it does not prevent you from having a life in science if that is, ulitmately, what you really want.
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