fly away

A weekend away. I need this. I need to get out of Austin and out of my reality for a little while. Spend some time in Mom's kitchen, in the hay loft, with my family, in Frederick, in Winchester, with my best friend. Frustrating is the best word I have to describe my life right now. Absolutely nothing is going the way I would like it to be. Work is the worst of it. I feel like I am staring at a brick wall that I'm never going to get past. I literally cannot visualize myself succeeding in graduate school and that scares the hell out of me. My capacity for hope is the only thing keeping me going right now. A friend of mine just withdrew from our program. I am incredibly proud of her for making such a difficult decision. And slightly jealous that I can't do the same. The difference between us is that I really, truly want this. I have been wanting this since I was fourteen years old. My high expectations are what is allowing all of this to get to me.

High expectations. Expectations. Stress occurs when expected does not equal observed. I'm sure there's a mathematical equation in there somewhere, but it probably requires some sort of derivation that I can't do. Math never was my strong point. And I tend to stick with the things that I do well. Things that I can do well enough to live up to my own expectations for myself. Part of me wants to give up rugby, a game I genuinely love, because I'm not immediately good enough to please myself. Logically I know that's ridiculous, but my expectations for myself aren't logical very often. I get to learn from one of the best players in the country. A lot of people would argue she is the best female prop in the US (and I'd happily place my money on her against most of the men that play that same position). Perversely this makes me want to perform well even more. And get increasingly frustrated with myself when I don't. It's ridiculous; I have been actively playing full XVs for a total of maybe five weeks. I played prop for the very first time (propping for 7's is so different it doesn't count) three weeks ago. And I still expect myself to be perfect. Or nearly so. It's official, in black and white: I am messed up in the head.

Or maybe it's my personality type. According to a Jung test (can you tell I'm not feeling fulfilled at work?) I am an "INFJ".

INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families. They don't believe in compromising their ideals.

Yup. That's me all right.